No Matter What
by Historyexplorer12
Summary: New Series! Alexander gives Hephaestion a gift to show that he loves them no matter what. Disclaimer: Characters are not mine! Warnings: NonbinaryTransmasculine!Hephaestion, kissing, established relationship, Modern AU, OC, swearing, misgendering (intentional and unintentional), deadnaming (intentional and unintentional), transphobia
1. Chapter 1

**AN: I know this is a day late for Jared's birthday, but my Document Manager wasn't accepting it for some reason last night. Anyway, I've been questioning my own gender lately and writing this helped reassure me. I hope you all enjoy it! Happy belated birthday, Jared!**

Hephaestion was cleaning up the apartment when Alexander walked in the front door, shaking the snow from his hooded jacket as he smiled at his partner.

"Good evening, my Love. How is my-?" he paused, unsure of the pronouns he should use.

"Your over-studied, exhausted, and hungry boyfriend is happy that you are home, my dear Alexander," Hephaestion said with a peck on the lips, "Why did the magazine call you in today? You told me you requested the day off. I don't like staying home alone on my birthday when I could be with you instead."

"I know, my love, I know, but all the files got corrupted somehow and Helen called me in to help fix it. I'm sorry. I'm here now, and all yours." Peritas barked just then, interrupting their kissing on the living room couch.

Laughing gave way to a relieved sigh from Hephaestion, "Good. I missed you."

"I missed you, Dearest. Now, before we decide on dinner, I have something for you," he got up off the couch to go to where he had hung his coat by the front door.

"Is it more kisses?" Hephaestion joked, laughing as Alexander rolled his eyes at him and Peritas jumped up to take the space Alexander had just vacated.

"You can get those whenever you wish, my handsome Phai," Alexander walked back over to him, shooing the dog down from the couch before taking the now empty spot and turning to his lover.

"Phai, I know you've been questioning your gender a lot these past few weeks, and how much stress and anxiety that gives you, and I just want to say that no matter who you are or what you find as you search for yourself, I will always love you, and it doesn't matter if, after finding yourself, you decide that we can no longer be together. I will always love you. Never doubt that."

"Idiot, you think my questioning my gender will make me give you up? No, Alexander. As great of a dork as you are, you are stuck with me. Now, my gift. That big, long speech with no gift, seriously?" Hephaestion poked fun at his boyfriend.

"You know how I am, Love. Alright, alright, here," he produced a blue box about the size of his palm with a blue ribbon tied around it and presented it to his eager love.

Hephaestion giggled as he set the box in his lap, untying the ribbon carefully. As he lifted the box's lid to reveal what was inside, however, he went quiet, stunned.

"Oh… Alexander… It's- it's beautiful…" Reaching into the box with the gentlest of fingers, he pulled the gift free of it's safe place and held it up to look at it. In his hand was a chandelier necklace with a miniature portrait of Alexander on each layer, each portrait surrounded by a circle of blue, pink, and white stones, "But, why three?"

"They are detachable, so that you can wear whatever gender you are feeling at the moment, or all of them if you so wish. This way you can always have me close to your heart and know that I will love you forever, no matter what. Happy birthday, my dearest love."


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Next installment to my Questioning!Hephaestion series! Enjoy!**

 **WARNING: ALLUSION TO BINDING IN THIS CHAPTER! PLEASE BE SAFE WHEN BINDING!**

Alexander was just returning to his and Hephaestion's apartment after walking Peritas around downtown when his phone gave off the tone that warned that Hephaestion's period was starting today. However, the quiet gloom that hung in the air gave him a clue to that, as he had been tracking his lover's cycle for the past five years, having started to do so within five months of meeting the fifteen-year-old at the time.

Signaling Peritas to be quiet, Alexander slipped off his shoes and made his way to the bathroom. Once there, he checked Hephaestion's stash of pills and pads before moving into the dark bedroom.

"Phai?" The curled figure on their bed curled up tighter, moaning. Alexander moved to the bedside and sat down, rubbing a warm hand on Hephaestion's stomach which always rebelled during this time of the month, "Is there anything you need me to do, Love?"

"Rip out my uterus?" Hephaestion said huskily, showing Alexander that his lover had been crying. For how long, he had no clue.

"I'm sorry, Love, that's the one thing I can't do."

"I don't even know who I am, and then _this_ shows up and makes it even more confusing. And it hurts!" Fresh tears of frustration and discomfort leaked from Hephaestion's closed eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Love. Is there anything- Phai!" A particularly vicious cramp had Hephaestion half sitting up.

"G-gonna-"

"O-okay, hold on," Alexander jumped off their bed to run to the bathroom and grab the empty trash can for his hurting sweetheart to heave into, "Better?" He rubbed Phai's back in wide circles, still standing at the bedside.

"No…" Phai collapsed back onto the pillows and curled toward Alexander stiffly, "My chest feels huge-"

"Oh, Sweetheart…" the last week now made sense to Alexander; Phai had worn his compression bras for four days straight, since he wasn't sure about a real binder yet. He had ended up bruised and sore for two days while Alexander forced him to not wear anything for those two days to give his body a break, "Is there anything I can do?"

"Cut them off?"

"Can't do that, Love. Not yet. But soon," Alexander had promised that if it was wanted, they could work on getting his other half top surgery. Phai just wasn't sure yet, "If you want to."

"And you'll love me still? After?" Phai's eyes became wet.

"Dearest, I will love you until the end of time."

Phai nodded miserably, silent and clearly holding back tears. Alexander reached out to hold Phai close, shushing and whispering sweet nothings into Phai's ear, before asking a very important question, "Pronouns, my love?" Hephaestion, miserable and crying openly now, just ignored the question and turned away, telling Alexander what he needed to know without saying anything, "Okay, it's okay. You don't have to choose right now… Shh, shh…"

"Alexander?" Hephaestion hiccuped.

"Yes, my love? What do you need?" Alexander moved closer to his suffering beloved, closing the gap that Hephaestion had put between them so that his chest touched Hephaestion's hunched back.

"Can we just sleep? I just want this waking nightmare to end."

It pained Alexander to hear Hephaestion talk this way, but he tried his best to understand, and nodded into the nape of Hephaestion's neck, silently vowing that one day Hephaestion would never have to feel this way again. Aloud he said, "Of course, my love. May Mor-" he was cut off by sort snores from his bedmate, and instead of finishing the wish for good sleep, settled down as well with his face buried in his beloved's long, soft hair.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Hi everyone! Here's another chapter of my Questioning!PossiblyFTM!Hephaestion series. I'm so glad I jut let it sit on here rather than saying it was complete, because things have started happening for me that I'm still grappling with. Just today, I realized that the name I chose for myself doesn't work anymore and I'm not sure what to do. This chapter deals with Hephaestion getting their (it's been awhile, so I still haven't decided where Hephaestion fits on the gender spectrum. They are most likely going to be FTM but I'm not sure at this point) first T-shot, because I just started the ball rolling on that myself. Nothing's set in stone yet, but writing tends to help me figure things out. Anyway, enjoy this new chapter!**

Alexander and Hephaestion sat in the plush chairs of the gender clinic's small waiting room, Hephaestion holding onto Alexander's hand in a death grip, eyes closed so as to limit sensory input. Alexander could tell his love was beyond nervous, and had held Hephaestion the whole night before as they stayed awake and shook with nerves. He had promised them that they could cancel the appointment, but they wouldn't hear of it. So Alexander now sat calmly beside them and whispered sweet nothings into their ear occasionally a they waited.

Alexander knew Hephaestion was terrified of needles, but they had done their research and discussed it as a couple and figured it was an evil they could handle together.

"Hephaestion Amyntor?" A nurse called from a doorway to the doctor's offices behind it.

Hephaestion tensed, and wide, fearful eyes turned to stare at Alexander as he went to stand up.

"You want me to come with you, Love?" Alexander asked, smiling down at his other half, already knowing the answer. Just as he expected, the grip on his hand tightened, so he spoke again as Hephaestion stood up on shaky legs, "I won't leave you. I'm here. You'll feel so much better once it's over, I promise. I'm so proud of you."

As he guided his love into the indicated exam room, Alexander kept up a litany of praises, never once letting them go.

"Okay there?" The nurse gave them both a gentle, understanding smile.

"Doesn't do needles very well," Alexander answered with a matching smile, shushing Hephaestion when they gasped.

"Understood. Hephaestion, you don't have to watch. We can figure out how to get you your meds without your help. Would that make this easier?"

"I-I want it, I j-just-" Hephaestion tried to answer, still wide-eyed.

"No one is questioning what you want, darling, we're just trying to help. Shh, you're okay," Alexander cooed.

"It only takes a minute. One and done. I'll go get the stuff ready and then I can show you, okay? We can take as long as you need," with that, the nurse left the room.

"I can't do this, Xander."

Alexander lifted a hand to stroke his love's cheek, "Yes you can, Phai. You're being so brave, and I love you so, so much. I promise it won't seem so bad after this first time. I know it's scary, but I promise it will be okay. Have I ever lied to you?"

That got a ghost of a smile to cross Hephaestion's face, "No…"

"Then believe me in this. You will be okay, and you will feel so much better knowing you're taking the medicine," the nurse knocked, and returned to the room, holding a tray of everything needed to give Hephaestion their shot. With another reassuring smile, the nurse sat down on the rolling stool they always seemed to have at doctor's offices and presented the tray for Hephaestion to see. They blanched at the length of the needle but Alexander shushed them again.

"Here it is, Hephaestion. This is everything you need to take your meds."

Hephaestion pointed a shaking finger at the needle and spoke, "Why is it so-" they gulped, "long?"

"Your medicine has to go into your muscle to be the most effective, so we have to get past your layers of skin with the needle. It might sting, but it shouldn't cause any real pain." Alexander nodded beside them, listening closely and mentally taking notes, "The medicine might burn a little going in, and the injection might be a little sore, but if you're having real pain, you probably did something wrong. In that case, it's best to call in and ask. We'll help you no matter what you need. Okay?"

Again, Alexander nodded, face serious. If Hephaestion wasn't absorbing the fine details, Alexander sure was, and in that moment Hephaestion was unbelievably grateful for their boyfriend's support.

"Okay," they answered, then broke into a grin, "I'm ready. Thank you."

Alexander kissed their cheek, clearly excited for them, and then stood to help them to the exam table, where they lay on their side before the nurse found a spot on their thigh and readied the dose of medicine.

"Okay, Hephaestion, I want you to keep this leg as loose as you can and just breathe. It'll be over really soon, okay?"

They nodded as Alexander crouched so that he was in their field of vision, all smiles, "Almost there, Love!" he whispered, "Your first shot. I'm so proud of you!"

Hephaestion couldn't keep back the squeak at the pinch of the needle, and then the low groan at the burn of the medication, and then they heard the nurse peeling a bandage and declaring it was all over.

Suddenly Hephaestion was overcome with tears as Alexander helped the sit up.

"Oh, what is it, Love? Are you in pain?" Alexander asked gently.

They could only shake their head, unable to explain the rush of emotions. There was only one word that came to their mind as it was: relief. Unexplainable relief.

 **AN: I'm sure I didn't get everything 100% accurate, but the emotions are what are important here. When I asked for my HRT letter a few weeks ago, I couldn't look at my thighs without imaging the relief I would feel if I do get my first shot. I'm not sure why I knew I'd feel relief, but I knew I would and know I will. I hope you all enjoyed!**


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Because I'm on my monthly right now and struggling with it, I wrote this real quick. Hopefully this helps someone else going through something like this. You are valid. Enjoy!**

 **Warning: gender dysphoria**

Alexander strode in to the apartment one evening with the groceries, only to be met with pitch black when he opened the door.

Confused, he called out cautiously, "Phai? Where are you, Love?" Then he heard it; soft sobs coming from the direction of the living room couch, and Peritas' whine. He tried again after carefully making his way to the kitchen and setting the grocery bags on the small island, before turning, arms outstretched he didn't accidentally hurt himself, "My love? Where are you? I hear you. Why are you crying?"

He felt his way to a lamp and pulled the cord, but didn't get the chance to even turn around in the little bit of light before Hephaestion spoke, his voice ragged and breaking at the same time, "N-no! Turn it off! I don't want you to see me! I'm disgusting!"

That made the back of Alexander's neck tingle with worry. What could have happened-? Disregarding what he had been told, Alexander slowly turned to face his soulmate. And gasped at the sight. Hephaestion's eyes, usually so bright, were dull and red from crying. Their hair was tangled and messy. And most notably of all was the heavy sweatshirt and thick fleece blanket wrapped around them.

Hephaestion flinched at their boyfriend's surprised gasp but glared at him all the same, snapping, "Turn it off!" When this wasn't done for a second time, they began to panic, "Turn it off! Turn it off, please! Alexander!"

The sound of his name got Alexander moving, and he was at his love's side in moments, fretting, "Phai? What happened? Come out from under the blanket, it's too hot for that," it was the middle of June after all, "What happened? Please tell me, I want to help. How can I help, what hurts?"

"I'm disgusting!" Hephaestion offered again, their tears starting up again.

Alexander knew this wasn't true, but decided against debating it; it wouldn't help to do so now anyway. Instead, he just gathered Hephaestion to his chest and rocked them a little, hushing them as he did so, "Shh, shh. Just tell me what happened and then we can fix it. Shh…"

"I'm bleeding! It was supposed to stop! I guess I am a girl!"

"No listen to me: you are not a girl unless you say you are one. It doesn't matter how your body is or what it does. All right?"

"But I'm on the medication-!"

"You've only been on it a month, Love. You have to let your body adjust, and then, after you've been on it awhile, your bleed _might_ stop. No guarantees, remember? But it doesn't matter, because I love you and always will, regardless of what your body does or doesn't do. All right? Shh, it's okay," he dropped a kiss on top of their head, resuming the rocking he had paused in order to explain.

They sat like this a long time, but Alexander gave no thoughts to the groceries sitting abandoned on the kitchen island, focused instead on holding his beloved close and offering his silent support. When Hephaestion had calmed some, he suggested a distraction.

"Shall we call everyone up and see about having a group movie night and sleepover?"

Hephaestion giggled at the almost absurd idea (people their age didn't have sleepovers!) but the bright grin on their face gave Alexander all the answer he needed.

 **AN: Just a quick note: There is nothing wrong with being a girl or being comfortable with the gender you were assigned at birth. it can just be hard sometimes when a person's gender doen't match their assigned gender at birth. Of course this too is not always true, and a person can be happy or comfortable with their body regardless of their gender.**

 **AN: I've seen this kind of scenario in other fanfictions, but this concept is much more positive than the other idea I was playing with in my head, and I need some positivity right now, and I'm sure you all wouldn't mind some either! I hope you enjoyed this chapter!**


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: My local Pride festival was today, and while I did get dressed for it (in my Hamilton t-shirt so I could "take" Alexander Hamilton and John Laurens to their first Pride), I got scared and didn't go, even to just check it out. That had/has me thinking of all the historical couples who didn't have something like Pride and still loved despite times that and people who didn't understand. I know it's not my best writing; I just wanted to get this up because of what happened to me today. Enjoy!**

"No, Alexander! I can't go!" Hephaestion's voice cracked as they pleaded with their boyfriend, terrified at the thought of going to their first Pride.

"Of course you can, Phai. I promise no one will care how far you are into transition or what your labels are. All our friends are going, and I will be with you the whole time. And we don't have to stay long, I promise. But I would love to go with you this year. Will you please just try? I know you'll feel much better as soon as we get there; you always do."

Hephaestion shook their head, refusing stubbornly, "No, Alexander. It's too- it's too much. Please don't make me go."

"Well, I won't _make_ you go, I would never do that. What is it, Love? What is scaring you so much?"

"I don't want to spend the whole day explaining who and what I am. I already had to do that when I was younger, and even then no one understood or tried to understand. When I tried to tell Mother that I wanted a binder, she called it a brassiere," they grimaced and blanched at the memory, "And it took me forever to tell Father because of her reaction and trying to give her time to process the whole thing. She still doesn't fully understand. How will I get _total_ _strangers_ to understand when my own mom doesn't? I don't even understand it sometimes!"

"Love," Alexander knelt in front of the couch where Phai sat, their hands intertwined in Phai's lap, "You realize that there will most likely be people _just_ _like you_ there, don't you? Even if your labels or experiences don't make sense to everyone, they make sense to someone. I promise. You are not the only one who feels this way, and you are not alone. I swear."

"I don't know…" Hephaestion looked over at the other side of the couch, where the teddy bear that was created in the colors of the transgender and nonbinary flags sat. It was nearly as tall as them, and had been a gift from Roxana to celebrate their first shot, "I just wish I had figured all this out as a kid, like you," their gaze fell on their boyfriend again, "I wish I felt comfortable, that it wasn't so difficult."

"Trust me, it's never easy, no matter your age. But no matter when someone figures themselves out or even just starts questioning, they are valid. Even if they realize they aren't something, their questioning is valid. Would taking Teddy with us make you feel better?"

Hephaestion nodded slowly, ashamed. Alexander just went to retrieve the stuffed toy, giving it to Hephaestion with a kiss on the forehead and a whisper in their ear.

"You've come so far. I am so proud of you."

 **AN: I just wanted to say that no matter how far you are with figuring stuff out, whatever that may be for you, I am proud of you and you are valid. Hope you enjoyed!**


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: Hey, everyone! New chapter, yay! First though, something I want to address: Over the last few weeks, ever since picking this story back up and continuing it, I have gotten a handful of bad reviews. Now, if they were jut standard bad reviews I wouldn't even say anything; a person's opinion is a person's opinion. However, telling me that this story doesn't belong in this fandom and to get rid of it, is not just standard bad reviews.**

 **I understand that everyone in this fandom is writing fanfictions based on books and a movie which center around historical characters. If someone chooses to stick more to the historical context and write that way, that's fine, I have no problem with that. I however do not tend to write that way. I write to better understand things and process things. Right now, I am going through something that is major for me, so I chose to write about it using Alexander and Hephaestion in a modern context to be able to process and make sense of what I am currently working through.**

 **You will also notice that I have not stopped writing this fanfiction despite the bad reviews. There are two reasons for this. One, I already explained above. And two, I want any person who is figuring out who they are or who is struggling with anything similar to any of these scenarios to be able to see this fanfiction and see these characters and know that they are not alone, regardless of where they are in their own process and journey.**

 **One last thing: Please remember that there are people who read the messages that you send, and are affected by them in some way. Thank you.**

 **That being said, I ordered my first binder yesterday, so I decided to write this. Enjoy!**

Alexander led Hephaestion into the store by the hand, coaxing them along with gentle words as Roxana and Ptolemy waited patiently behind the pair, knowing that Hephaestion's anxiety would ease a little once they got inside and saw it was safe.

"I can't Alexander, I can't!" They hissed in his ear, low enough to be heard only by the quartet, "It's embarrassing! What if I get laughed at?!"

"You won't, my love. This is a private business; you need appointments. And I will be with you the entire time, we all will."

"Scott was very considerate when I came in for my breast forms…" Roxana offered, her voice below a whisper. Ptolemy nodded to confirm her story. They had been with her for her appointment.

"You promise?" But Hephaestion was only focused on their boyfriend and what he had said.

Alexander took this in stride, knowing that Hephaestion wasn't purposely ignoring their friends; it was their anxiety, "Yes, my love, I promise. You are safe. Scott understands."

The only person in the store, Scott by his name tag, had noticed them as soon as they came in the door but had been letting them have a moment, but came forward to offer help now. Hephaestion tensed upon seeing his approach, "Everything all right?"

Alexander was the one to answer him, "Scott, hi. I'm Alexander. This is my datemate Hephaestion. We're your next appointment, I believe?"

Scott smiled, but it was kind and gentle, "Yes. Nervous? How can I help?"

"Give us a moment, please. We just need to take this slow."

Scott nodded, then reached out to Hephaestion, "Hello, Hephaestion. I'm Scott. Would you like to come inside and explore the shop a bit?"

Alexander thought Hephaestion might say no and bolt, but they took Scott's hand after studying his face for a long moment and Alexander stepped aside to let them through, smiling proudly after them. He followed them, and so let Roxana and Ptolemy in as well.

They all simply went to the consultation area of the shop and watched Scott patiently guide Hephaestion around until their body relaxed and they seemed much more comfortable. When they had relaxed, Scott brought them over to a seat and invited them to sit down.

"So Hephaestion, Alexander told me a little bit of what's going on and what you're looking for, but I would like to hear it from you."

"W-well… I'm nonbinary and transmasuline and I started testosterone a few months ago, but I really don't like what's left of my chest…" They winced, afraid of being laughed at or kicked out. Alexander reached over to take their hand and give it a comforting squeeze, though they didn't turn to look at him as Scott nodded.

"That makes perfect sense to me. Would you like to go get measured now? After that, we can try on binders."

Hephaestion tensed again, fear clear on their face, "Can- can Alexander come?"

Scott just smiled as Alexander stood up from his seat, "Of course."

Getting measured was hard because Hephaestion was nervous about their chest, but it was over quickly and then the choosing part began. And within the next hour, Hephaestion had their first binder. When it was all said and done, they couldn't stop smiling, and Alexander knew just by looking at them that their whole world had been changed by this small, great experience.


	7. Chapter 7

**TW: talk of medical procedures**

 **AN: Here the next chapter! I'm sorry if it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I recently went to my annual doctor's appointment and was told I would need a Pap smear eventually, and have been thinking about it on and off since, so I needed to dump all my feelings into something and this is what came out of all of that. It definitely feels like no one understands why I'm scared and worried, and I can't voice all of my worries, so that makes everything harder. Thank you for reading!**

 **AN: "Thessa" refers to Thessalonike of Macedon, one of Alexander's half sisters. Just to clarify.**

Hephaestion took the phone away from their ear and found Alexander in the kitchen preparing dinner, their eyes wide and their face pale.

Alexander looked up to greet them as he heard them enter the room, his content smile quickly becoming a worried frown a he took in his partner's expression, "Hephaestion? What is it? That was just Dr. Watts confirming your annual, wasn't it?"

Hephaestion nodded, body going weak as they collapsed into a chair at the small island, "She… She said she doesn't want to put off my Pap smear anymore…"

Alexander grimaced sympathetically, "I'm sorry, Love. Is there anything I can do?"

Hephaestion went to shake their head, then crumpled and put their head in their hands, sobbing. Alexander abandoned the vegetables he had been cutting up for a salad and went to them, holding them close, understanding the reason for the emotions Hephaestion was experiencing.

When they had had a moment to cry into Alexander's chest, they sat up, venting, "It's not fair! Even making sure I'm healthy reminds me that my body isn't right! And a fuckin' Pap smear? Checking your health shouldn't be so invasive and painful! I'm so tired!"

"I know, Love, I know…" Alexander pet their hair, taking most of their weight as the tears kept coming with no sign of stopping anytime soon, "It will be okay. I am sure Dr. Watts knows how uncomfortable this is, and can help you through it. We will make it okay."

Hephaestion shook their head, pulling away from Alexander's comfort, "You don't understand… No one understands…"

Alexander wasn't hurt at that; he could never fully understand what Hephaestion went through or felt, he knew that. He could only be there for when Hephaestion needed him.

"I don't understand, Love, that's true. But I think you need to vent, and I'm here if you need me for that. And please remember that I love you no matter what. I don't care how your body is, what it needs, or what others say that you are or aren't. You are my Phai. That is all that matters to me. Please remember that."

Hephaestion nodded, only halfway listening, their body language showing how exhausted they were, "Can you please just call Thessa for me? I just want to talk to someone who understands. Sorry."

"No, no need to be sorry. I'll call her. You just go to bed and rest."

"I am sorry I'm making this so hard…" Hephaestion mourned, their head bent in shame.

"Hey, hey. Loving you is no hardship. It never has been and never will be. _I'm_ sorry you have to go through this, even if it is necessary. It's not fair and I hate seeing you so afraid. But it _will_ be okay, I promise," Alexander set a quick kiss to their brow just before the phone was picked up on the other side of the line and his attention was split, "Thessa! How are you?"

Hephaestion smiled the smallest bit watching their boyfriend do this for them, and decided to believe him for the time being, at least until their anxiety took over again next time and they had to go through the same old song and dance, just like always. They really were loved.


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: I want to address the bad reviews I've been getting on this work again. First and foremost, this work is being written to help me process what I am currently going through and to help others going through similar situations see that they aren't alone. Secondly, telling me that I am ruining Alexander and Hephaestion's reputations by writing this fanfiction hurts more than it helps. What this section of the site is based on is a movie and books, as far as I know. That movie and those books show a representation of historical characters- no one knows exactly how Alexander and Hephaestion were in real life, including myself. This fanfiction never claimed to be the "true" Alexander and Hephaestion, and I have never claimed to know them in that way. This fanfiction is just a way for me to connect with others and talk about my hopes and worries through this story's representation of Alexander and Hephaestion.**

 **That being said, if you realize you don't like one of the fanfictions that I post, I have a lot more fanfictions on my page for this site for you to look at. Some may be to your liking and some may not, and that is completely okay and understandable. Everyone has their own likes and dislikes. But please don't make someone else feel like their own view or interpretation doesn't matter. Doing that helps no one. Thank you.**

 **On to the good news: my HRT letter will be faxed to a doctor soon so that I can start hormones! This chapter isn't about that because I've already written one on Hephaestion getting their medication, but I just wanted to tell everyone what's going on. Anyway, enjoy chapter 8!**

"Hestia, Love, I'm home!" Alexander shut the front door to his and his girlfriend's apartment and turned to toe off his shoes on top of the cold air return by the door, "Hes-" looking up finally, he saw his soulmate coming from the living room, her head bowed and her arms crossed over her stomach protectively. Alarm bells immediately went off for Alexander, "Hestia, Love- Fates, you look like you're going to be sick- Hestia!" When his girlfriend did Indeed rush off to the bathroom, a hand clasped over her mouth.

He went after her and tried to help her by holding her hair for her but she elbowed him away, gasping, "Don't touch me, Alexander! Don't touch me!"

"Okay…" He backed off, but stayed close in the bathroom doorway,watching her worriedly as she finished up and brought her head up, recovering for a moment, all while not looking in his direction, "A-are you all right?" As she stood up, avoiding the mirror above the sink as she shouldered past him and went back to the living room, he following close behind her.

When she was settled on the living room couch with a heavy winter blanket up to her chin and a throw pillow on her lap, she finally looked up at him for the first time since he had come home, "I need to tell you something. You may not like it, and I know you may h-hate," her voice broke and she took a deep breath to steady herself, "hate me for it but it's only fair that you know."

Alexander knelt down on the carpet by her then, concerned, worried, and realizing the topic's seriousness all in that moment, "I could never hate you, Love. Whatever you have to tell me, it can't be so bad that I would hate you for it," he tried to laugh, to break the sudden heaviness between them, but the way Hestia was staring at him and nodding in disagreement was scaring him to no end, "Tell me then. Tell me what is so bad and I can show you that I don't hate you."

"It's not that you will, but that you _could_ ," she clarified, "And maybe you should."

He shook his head, "That's for me to decide, not you. And right now I love you just as much as when we woke up this morning. So what is it?"

"Promise you won't be mad?" She looked at him again, her eyes showing only fear, Alexander had never seen such a look on her face before, and It cut him to his very core.

"I can't promise I won't react, but I can promise that I will listen and hear whatever you have to say," he got up on the couch then, sitting calmly beside her. It hurt to watch her pull tighter into herself and try to put just a little bit of distance between them, "What is it, Love? You're hurting, and I don't like seeing you so stressed," she didn't say anything, and wouldn't look at him once again, "Hestia."

"That's not my name," came a whisper almost too quiet for him to hear.

"What? Love, I can't hear you. Will you at least look at me please?"

"I said that's not my name," when she did look at him this time, the hurt and anger were clear on her face.

"What? I don't- No, don't hide from me. I'm not angry, I just don't understand. You're my girlfriend and I want to help you-"

She lashed out then, "That's not my name and I'm not a girl!"

He raised his voice as well, but out of desperation rather than anger, "I don't understand! I want to, but you have to help me, Love! I just don't understand, that's all!"

She broke down crying then, the anger suddenly gone and put her head in her hands as Alexander took her in his arms and drew her in close, "That's not my name… That's not my name and I'm not a girl… I'm not a girl…"

"Okay, all right, shh, let's just calm down. I'm not going to hurt you and you're not in any danger, okay? I love you, shh… Shh, good job."

It took a good few minutes of rocking and hushing for the tears to slow and finally stop, and then she raised her head and looked Alexander in the eye.

"I'm not a girl, and my name isn't Hestia. I'm a boy, and my name is Hephaestion."

Alexander let go a breath of relief as he grinned from ear to ear, "Well, I guess I'm Hephaestion's boyfriend then."

 **AN: A quick note on this chapter: This chapter is based around Hephaestion first part of discovering themselves, which is why Hephaestion says they are a boy. This is no longer their truth in the present, as the other chapters have shown. I will say this: No matter how long it takes for you to discover who you are, and no matter if something you thought was right for you in the past isn't true anymore, and you have to adjust or change your labels, your pronouns, how you present, or anything else, it is all a journey and it and you are 100% valid!**


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: This took forever to write, and will lead into the next chapter, just to give you all a heads up. Please be aware of the warnings on this story when reading this chapter, and stay safe. Otherwise, enjoy!**

The shriek of Hephaestion's cellphone on the kitchenette island distracted them from preparing dinner. Picking it up and immediately seeing that it was Alexander calling, they began to worry. Alexander was at work. He would be home soon, but he never called during work unless it was urgent. Not wanting to stall, whatever the problem was, Hephaestion quickly answered the continuous ring.

"Xander? What's wrong? The car alright?" There was an exasperated, sad sigh on the other end of the call, and that made Hephaestion's anxiety rear its head, their heart starting to pound in their chest, "Xander? What happened? You're not hurt are you?"

"No, Love, everything's fine. I'm fine, just peeved. I have a mandatory meeting tomorrow after work, so I can't take you to your appointment at four. I already called Thessa, Ptolemy, and Roxana, and they're all busy tomorrow, so the only person who can take you is Cassander…"

As soon as Hephaestion heard that, they were upset, "I'd rather skip a week than have Cassander take me! He hates me! No, I refuse!"

"Love, I know, but if you don't want to go on your own- and I know you don't- he's our only option. And you can't skip, you'll be miserable. Thessa already promised he won't say anything."

"Oh, he will, I know he will," they sighed, suddenly exhausted, "Fine, whatever. Hurry home."

Just before they could hang up the phone and end the call, Alexander, clearly hurt, whispered, "I love you, Phai."

"Love you too," they disconnected the call quickly after that.

Hephaestion hadn't slept well that night, even though Alexander had made sure to hold them extra tight and kiss them even more than usual before finally falling asleep beside them. And when Alexander had left for work, Hephaestion was tempted to ask him to just skip for a day, even though they knew they couldn't cost their boyfriend his job over something so minuscule.

It didn't feel minuscule though when Cassander stopped in front of their apartment building where Hephaestion was waiting on a bench near the front doors.

"Hestia! Let's go! I have other things to do today!" Hephaestion felt tears well up as they got in the passenger seat of the red sports car, but refused to cry. Not in front of Cassander. It was just one appointment anyway. After this, they could make sure Alexander always had the day off and it could become their thing- and only their thing- again, "What's with the lady get up?"

Having been in their own world for a moment, Hephaestion didn't notice Cassander- a freshly lit cigarette in between his lips, staring at the short baby blue circle skirt Hephaestion had chosen to wear.

"Makes things easier," was all that Hephaestion offered in explanation, silently praying that that would be the end of it as they tried to get comfortable enough to sleep for the hour drive to the doctor.

"You fakin' the whole thing?" Cassander wondered.

Hephaestion stiffened at that, and immediately sat up straight in the seat. They wouldn't be getting any sleep after all, "W-what do you mean?"

"You're wearing a skirt. You must be fakin' it. No real man would be caught dead in a skirt. I know I wouldn't," he took a long drag from his cigarette and blew the smoke out between his lips slowly, taking hi eyes off the road just briefly enough to give Hephaestion a telling look, "Alexander wouldn't."

"I don't- um, I don't..."

"It's true," Cassander argued matter-of-factly before he finally went quiet for the rest of the ride. Not that Hephaestion noticed. They were trying not to throw up.

Cassander got to the reception desk before Hephaestion could stop him once they entered the building full of separate offices, "Hestia Amyntor, here for her four o'clock appointment? Hurry up, I'm busy! I haven't got all day!"

Hephaestion approached the desk with a sigh; they were so tired, "Cassander, please, just, go sit down. I can do this part. Hephaestion Amyntor, please, here for four?"

The receptionist nodded once and then eyed them before glancing at Cassander, now sitting quiet in a chair, "You okay, Hun? Alexander not here today?"

"He had a meeting he couldn't get out of. And actually, can I just wait in the hall? I can't-"

She nodded and waved them along, "Someone will come out and get you when it's your turn."

Hephaestion was able to breathe for the first time in just over an hour, "Thank you. Thank you."

Their shot was more painful than usual, but it was over quickly, and Hephaestion hurried back out to the car, limping a little from the injection, wanting to get home to their boyfriend as quickly as possible. Just as they got into the passenger seat of Cassander's car, though, their phone vibrated to alert the to a new text.

 _"How's my handsome datemate doing? Shot go okay? The doctor say anything?"_

Hephaestion smiled, heart warmed by the fact that, even when they were apart, Alexander cared enough to text them and ask how they were.

 _"Be ready when I get home; I need to scream and cry for about a year. Shot went okay. Hurts more than usual, but that's to be expected with how bad I feel right now."_

 _"I'll run out and get the biggest tubs of ice cream I can find, and chocolate of course. Peri is here, warm and ready for snuggles. What did Cassander say?"_

 _"When I get home. We're in the car, on our way home now."_

 _"Hugs and kisses are yours as soon as you get here. You know I love you, don't you?"_

 _"I know. I'm going to take a nap now. Cassander's giving me a look and I can't stand it."_

 _"Okay. Sleep well, and soon you will be in my arms. I love you, so, so much."_

 _"Love you too. Goodnight."_

It wasn't long before Cassander had parked in front of Hephaestion and Alexander's apartment building, and Hephaestion was surprised to see Alexander outside waiting for them.

"Come here, Love," Alexander welcomed them home with open arms, and while Hephaestion couldn't exactly see the glare he sent Cassander's way, they certainly felt it, "Massage and ice cream upstairs? Sound good?" They could only nod, their emotions starting to choke them up now that they knew they were safe, "Thank you for getting them home safely, Cassander. I appreciate it. Come on, Love. Slow. You're limping, don't rush."

"Shot was a bitch this time."

"I know, Love, I know. Just go slow."

After a hot, soothing bath, Hephaestion and Alexander sat on opposite side ends of the couch, legs tangled together, spoons deep in their respective ice cream containers. Hephaestion was happily surprised when Alexander had presented them with the container of mint chocolate chip, even though they hadn't asked for it. It was their favorite flavor of ice cream. They supposed however that after so long together, Alexander knew that and kept that kind of information for times just like this.

"Love," Alexander sat up from where he had been relaxing against one of the couch's armrests, "If you want to, do you need to talk about Cassander did today? I know he upset you."

The mood changed instantly as Hephaestion stiffened upon hearing the question, "I-it was nothing… I don't want to talk about it…" They got up then, going to the kitchen to quickly put what was left of their ice cream in the freezer before disappearing into the bedroom, ignoring a concerned, "Phai?" from their boyfriend.

Hephaestion must have fallen into an uneasy sleep after crying in the bedroom alone for maybe a good hour or two, because they were woken up by angry hissing from the living room. Concerned, they were about to call out to their boyfriend when the words finally reached them.

"Hephaestion is a wonderful human being and you are a sad human being if you can't see that, Cassander."

Now that Hephaestion was listening, they could just make out Cassander screaming from his side of the call, "Hestia is a liar and you are crazy for believing her and going along with her delusion!"

Hephaestion had heard enough and stormed out of the bedroom, reaching for their boyfriend's cellphone from their stunned-to-silence boyfriend, putting it to their own ear before speaking politely but with deadly venom, "Cassander? You can say what you like about me, but don't you dare speak to my boyfriend like that again. You are ignorant and small-minded, not to mention rude. You need to grow up and realize the world has changed and is always changing. I am beyond done with being your doormat and still being kind to you, because in all honesty I shouldn't have to be after the way you've treated me and our friends. Don't call here anymore or speak to me until you learn, if ever."

"Hestia," Cassander was clearly bored and annoyed, and it was clear that what Hephaestion had just said went in one ear and out the other.

"You know what, Cassander? Since you clearly didn't hear me, I'll break it down so you can understand: Suck. My. Dick," They heard and saw Alexander gasp and cover his mouth in surprise as they ended the call before Cassander could say anything more.

"Phai-" Alexander was cautious.

"What? He pissed me off."

As they started to walk away, Alexander grabbed their hand and pulled them back, shining like the Sun, "I'm proud of you."

"He deserved it."

"I'm not saying he didn't. But you finally found the strength to defend yourself. That's no small feat. You're becoming comfortable with who you are. I'm proud of you, and I love you, so, so much."

Hephaestion sighed, "Can we just go to bed? I know it's still early, but I had a long, hard day and I just want to sleep right now."

"Of course," Alexander kissed them softly on the lips, "To bed, my love."

They went to bed soon after that, but instead of sleeping, Hephaestion waited until Alexander's breathing was slow and even before letting the first tear fall.


	10. Chapter 10

Hephaestion walked into the mall with trepidation, anxiety coiling in the pit of their stomach, making sure to grab Alexander's hand as soon as they were both through the automatic doors, Roxana and Ptolemy a few steps ahead of the pair.

Roxana had wanted to get some new dresses, and so had enlisted her best friends to help her, but clothes shopping made Hephaestion nervous, knowing what they were all too often mistaken for and being very aware of their biological sex whenever they had to do this sort of thing.

"Phai?" Alexander's whisper pulled them from their thoughts, "Are you all right, Love?" They nodded, not saying anything and not meeting his eyes, but looking around instead, "Okay. If you're not, just tell me. And if you want anything, just let me know."

From the tone in his voice, Hephaestion knew Alexander really meant _anything_ , but the thought of picking clothes made them wince. Instead, they followed Roxana into a shop and let her browse and explore until she had an armful of outfits and was satisfied enough to start trying them on.

While she was doing that with Ptolemy and Alexander's help, Hephaestion wondered around the store, going first to the men's section and trying to want those pants and shirts. But their eye kept wondering to the women's section, especially the skirts. There was a long, light gray draped skirt with turquoise accents in the pleats right across the aisle, but Hephaestion knew they couldn't have it. Not after what Cassander said. Wanting that would just prove him right.

Tears pricked their eyes, and they quickly pulled a pair of men's pants off the rack and went to find their boyfriend, who was patiently waiting for Roxana to emerge from the dressing room after she had vetoed a couple of outfits without anyone's help.

"Oh, there you are, Phai! Did you explore a little bit?" Hephaestion nodded tensely, and pushed the pants into Alexander's hands, knowing that if they spoke, they would start crying, "These? You want these? Love, they aren't your size, did you just grab the wrong pair? Here, let's go-" the tears started falling, hard and unwanted, "Phai, why are you crying? It's a simple mistake, that's all. I'll help you, come on. Show me where you found this."

Hephaestion shook their head, having now drawn Ptolemy's attention, "What's wrong? Phai?"

"I'm not sure. Phai, do you want to leave? We can go home," Hephaestion shook their head; they didn't want to leave, "How about we just take a break then? How about a walk? Just around the mall, and then we'll come back. Just a breather, okay?"

They left the pants with Ptolemy, starting to walk down the main aisle of the shop, past the section where Hephaestion had been before. Despite themselves, they stopped and looked at the skirt again, this time discreetly running their fingers over it. It was not discreet enough however, because Alexander stopped too, admiring the skirt, "Oh Phai, look how pretty! This would look beautiful on you."

Hephaestion shook their head, looking away forcefully. They couldn't. It would make them a liar. They were a liar.

Alexander noticed their behavior, and realized that this was probably what made them act so strangely before, "Phai, if you want this, I'll get it for you. We just need to find your size."

Hephaestion coughed around the lump in their throat, and when they did speak, their voice sounded rough even to their own ears, "I can't."

"You can't? Why can't you, Love? This would be perfect for you."

Hephaestion tried again with another tactic, "I don't want it."

A look that said "I can tell you're lying but I don't know why," came over Alexander's face and Hephaestion had to look away from his piercing gaze, "Does this have to do with what Cassander said?"

"He asked me if I was "fakin'it!" What do you think?!" Unbidden, tears pricked their eyes again.

"He what?! I'm gonna fuckin'-"

"It won't help. Besides, he's right…"

"He's-? Phai, would you be comfortable living as your assigned gender?" Hephaestion paled almost immediately and shook their head, not saying anything, "Are you more comfortable with your gender and body now? I know it's not perfect, and that it might never be, that you might always struggle, but are you?" They nodded, blushing lightly, "Then you aren't lying and never have been. And Cassander can eat toads for all I care. Okay? You are who you say you are, and no matter what other people say, that's all that matters."

"T-that's not true… It wouldn't hurt if it wasn't true… I wouldn't be s-struggling i-if it-"

"It _is_ true, Love. It hurts because you are kind and a good person. He meant to hurt you, make you question yourself, but it's all lies, what he said. He knows you still struggle with who you are and who you think you should be to make others happy, and he preyed on those thoughts. It is _nothing_ you did or said. You deserve to be happy, and if this skirt will make you happy right now, you deserve to have it, even if you did nothing to earn it. You don't have to earn everything, or everyone's approval. Just be yourself. Just be you, because _that's_ what you deserve from life. Plus, it's who I fell in love with all those years ago. I don't want you to be anybody other than who you are, because who you are is amazing, and beautiful, and so unbelievably loving it leaves me stunned daily. I need you to believe that, because it _is_ true. We can always buy the skirt and return it if you really don't like it, but I have a feeling you do. Am I right?"

Hephaestion nodded, tears streaming down their face now, "I-I'm s-sorry… I d-don't mean to be s-so difficult…"

"You're not difficult, Love, you're hurt. But it's okay. I swear. It's okay. Why don't we find your size so you can see how it feels on, hm?"

Hephaestion could only nod as their boyfriend took their hand and led them back towards the changing rooms with the skirt tucked safely over his arm, thanking every god they knew that this man loved them so much.


	11. Chapter 11

**AN: I got my haircut on the 15th, and even though it wasn't my first cut since dicovering who I am, it was finally with a hairstylist that understood and gave me exactly what I asked for without any extra effort on my part. It felt so good. This chapter is based on my experience, but isn't a play-by-play. There's a fictional element to this chapter too. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy!**

 **AN: I decided that this is for Hephaestion's death month, because I had no ideas and no energy to come up with omething. I ran out of time too. I hope this will suffice.**

Hephaestion opened the door to the salon, jumping a little when the bell above the door jingled to announce their arrival. They had done their research and found this salon, which was supposed to be LGBT+ friendly, but they were alone and unsure, and for safety had left their binder at home and wore the skirt that they had bought a few weeks prior with a white sleeveless blouse.

It took them a few tense moments to approach the reception desk, but when the did, they spoke in nearly a whisper, "Hi. I-I'm here for a three o'clock appointment? I'm not sure who with, it's my first time here. Sorry."

"No need to be sorry, Sweetheart. Name?" The receptionist looked at them patiently.

"H-Hestia Amyntor…"

"Oh," the receptionist smiled, "I was wondering who that name was tied to. Just sit down for a minute and your hairstylist will be with you soon."

Hephaestion gave her a confused look upon hearing her comment, but thanked her politely and went to sit down, wringing their hands nervously.

It was only a few minutes later that a person in skinny jeans, a crop top with a sun printed on it, high heeled gladiator boots and who had platinum blond hair and six earrings in their right ear and a belly button ring that had a bronze sun pendant hanging from it which swayed as they approached their chair. Hephaestion blushed lightly and ducked their head as the hairstylist stopped in front of their chair, nervous and intimidated by this person's obvious larger than life presence.

"Hi, Honey. I'm Apollo. Are you Hestia?"

Hephaestion looked up at the name, surprised that anyone other than their small circle of friends had a Greek or mythological name, and then they remembered that they had been asked a question, and still needed to answer, although Apollo seemed patient, "Y-yes. Sorry…"

"No need to be sorry, Honey. Why don't we go back to my chair? It's the last one, right there," they pointed with a perfectly manicured nail that was painted with an orange and yellow ombré pattern.

"O-okay…" Carefully, Hephaestion made their way across the floor, nearly falling into the chair as their legs gave out just a little.

"You sure you're okay, Hun? Do you want some water?"

"N-no, I'm okay."

"Something's wrong, Hun. Maybe I can help. Okay?"

Hephaestion glanced at this person, trying to gauge if they were safe, then decided to trust them, "M-my n-name…"

"Yes? Baby, you're shaking. I promise whatever it is, you're safe here, okay?"

Hephaestion swallowed thickly and tried again, "M-my name is H-Hephaestion… I'm transmasuline nonbinary. "Hephaestion" isn't legal yet and I wanted to be safe, that's why I used my birth name… I'm so sorry… I-if you want me to leave-"

"Oh Sweetheart, you don't have to leave! I'm bi and my sister here is ace. You're safe, Baby, I promise. What are your pronouns? Mine are he/him/his."

"T-they/them/theirs, please. Thank you for asking…"

Apollo smiled brightly, "It was my pleasure, Sweetheart. Now about this hair of yours, what were you thinking?"

"Short, please. My hair is wavy when it's not this long, but I've had it this long for so long I don't know any different. But I want something more masculine/androgynous, if that's okay," flicking through their phone for the reference picture they had found months prior, they showed it to him. It was shaved short but not completely in the back and long enough on top to have a bit of wave to it.

"That's awesome, Sweetheart. It'll be perfect on you. Just relax, everything is fine," Hephaestion jumped at the first cut of the scissors but a calm hand on their shoulder reassured them, 'It's fine, Baby, you're okay. I know it feels weird right now, but soon we'll have you feeling more yourself, okay? It'll be perfect, you'll see. Relax. Trust me."

"My boyfriend doesn't know I'm doing this, I can't wait to see his face," Hephaestion giggled nervously, "He loves my long hair, but sometimes it reminds of how my body is, so I wanted to try something different."

"Oh, the money I'd pay to see his face. This is definitely different, he'll be in for a shock!"

"I just hope it feels better. I've been to two others salons and they refused to do it."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Baby, that's so unfair. But you are who you say you are, not who others say you are, you know that right?"

"I know. Hurts though."

"I know, Baby, I know. I'm sorry people are so mean and ignorant."

Hephaestion felt tears prick their eyes, but they didn't fall. It felt so good to finally be understood without any effort on their part, "Thank you…"

"No need to thank me, Sweetheart. It's my pleasure. Thank you for trusting me. Okay, so this should be a wash-and-go, but if you want to,you can add a little mousse to define your waves a little more. Sound good?"

Hephaestion smiled brightly, nodding a little as Apollo ran his hands through their fresh cut, checking it over with expert eyes, "Thank you. So much. You have no idea…" their lip quivered.

Apollo chuckled warmly, his smile like the sun, "It really was my pleasure, Sweetheart. Let's get your next appointment set up, okay?" He walked Hephaestion over to the reception desk, getting behind the computer for a moment, "I'll change your name in our system if you want. Is that okay?"

"You can do that?" Hephaestion's mouth dropped open in surprise.

"Of course, if you want."

"Y-yes, please. I'm s-sorry for being so d-difficult…"

"It's no trouble, at all. And I'm going to change this to a men's cut."

"Really?" Hephaestion put a hand over their mouth, and this time, the tears did fall.

"Oh, Sweetheart," Apollo came around the desk, "Can I give you a hug? You look like you need one," when Hephaestion gave a jerky nod, Apollo wrapped them in a tight hug, drawing it out for a few long moments, "You're okay. I'm glad I could do this for you and make you so happy."

"Thank you. Thank you so much," Hephaestion paid with shaky hands, and took Apollo's business card from him before turning on unsteady legs and leaving the salon with a smile on their face.

"Xander, are you here?" They called as they entered the apartment, knowing their boyfriend was most likely home from work by now.

"Kitchen, Love! I missed- Get caught in the rain?" He had turned away from the sink and saw Hephaestion's sweatshirt hood pulled up over their head.

"Just a sprinkle, but yeah. Went out before you got home and wasn't really expecting it. Not too wet though. I'll just go take off my shoes and be right back to help with dinner."

"Uh huh," Alexander nodded, having turned back to the beef he had just washed and was now cutting.

Hephaestion moved back to the front door and toed off their shoes, keeping up the conversation with their partner as they did, "How was your day, Love?"

"Normal, nothing special. Boring. Wanted to just come home to you."

"Aw. I'm sorry I wasn't home when you got home then. I missed you too, Love," still hidden from Alexander's sight, Hephaestion took down their hood and shook their much shorter hair out, grinning at the feeling. When they returned to the kitchen, Alexander had just washed some broccoli and was transferring it to a cutting board before he naturally turned toward Hephaestion. And stopped dead in his tracks, board still in his hands. Hephaestion thanked Demeter that he didn't drop it onto the floor.

"Y-y-y-" he cleared his throat and tried again, "Your hair."

"Yes?" Hephaestion grinned, enjoying their boyfriend's shock.

"Y-you cut your hair?"

"Hair grows, Love. But I quite like it like this."

"It's so short. Different."

"The hairstylist said he would have paid money to see your reaction when I told him I hadn't told you. But- you like it?" Their smile slipped a little, suddenly unsure.

"Yeah. Yes. Just a shock. You look so different. D'you like it?"

"I love it," the grin was back, "Makes me feel more myself.

"Then that's all that matters. I love it, Phai. You're so handsome."

Hephaestion's breath caught in their throat, and the smile on their face slipped the tiniest bit, their voice breaking when they spoke next, "Say that again. Please. Say that again."

Alexander grinned, understanding his Phai's plea for what it was; a need to hear some validation, "I love it, Phai. You're so handsome. My handsome datemate."

Hephaestion closed their eyes, savoring the moment before they spoke next, "Thank you…"

"Anytime, Love. I love you. I always will. Now, let's have dinner so we can cuddle before bed. I need to see your hair up close and personal."

Hephaestion could only chuckle and roll their eyes at Alexander's not-far-from-the-truth almost joke.

"You're impossible, Xander. I love you, so much."

"And I you, Phai. Never question that."


	12. Chapter 12

**AN: Today marks exactly a month until my first T shot, so I felt the need to write something to mark the day. I've also realized I'm a demiboy as well as nonbinary and transmasculine, so that's what this chapter tries to show. There will be another chapter connected to this one, so be on the lookout for that. Enjoy!**

Alexander watched for weeks as Hephaestion became closed off, wearing sweats and sweatshirts whenever possible, and began complaining that their ribs were bothering them more and more as they wore their binder daily.

He aid nothing, but tried to make it so that Hephaestion was comfortable at home and validated when they went out, but let Hephaestion take their time to tell him exactly what was wrong. It never happened, but Alexander was patient.

Then it all came a head one night.

Hephaestion moved around the apartment like a tornado, arranging their papers that sat in the living room, then nearly flying to the kitchen to check on the soup they were making for dinner, nearly falling into the pot a they did so, before rushing to the hallway closet to grab the vacuum. At this point, Alexander, who was all but trapped on the living room couch by the restless, anxious energy of his partner, spoke up.

"Love, do you need help? I can finish dinner."

"No! I've got it. You just relax. I know that you had a long, hard day at work. You deserve to rest for a while."

"Dinner is nothing, Love. I'd be happy to help-" he went to stand.

"No!" Here, Hephaestion realized their mistake, as Alexander froze and stared at them in shock, "I-I mean-"

"Love, something has you all worked up. If you're simply doing too many tasks at once, I can help with one or two, make things easier on you. Or is it something else? You know you can tell me anything, don't you?"

"There's nothing to tell! I'm fine! And I don't appreciate being grilled like this, especially when nothing's wrong, Alexander!"

"I'm not going to hurt you, Love. I can see you're hurting, and I want to help you."

"I-I-" Hephaestion's hands began to shake and they swayed on their feet.

"Phai? Are you okay?" Alexander reached out to his datemate, concern painted on his features.

"Wha-what's-?" Hephaestion realized that they were shaking, and their breath started coming fast and heavy.

"You're having an anxiety attack, Love. You're not alone though, I'm here. It will be okay. Just breathe and relax each part of your body one-by-one. It will be all right."

"I-I can't- You don't-"

"I don't what, Love? No matter what you tell me, no matter what you're scared to tell me, it doesn't matter, okay? I love you and I will always love you. No matter what, alright? There's nothing you could do or say that would make me stop loving you. Nothing, do you hear me. Absolutely nothing. You are safe."

Hephaestion hook their head, a sudden dry sob choking them, "I-I lied…"

"How did you lie? About your identity? Love, identities change constantly. If you feel a label no longer fits for you, that's okay. It doesn't mean you lied about anything. You don't have to tell me right now, but when you are, I'm here to listen. I love you so much, Phai."

"I- d-don't know -what's wrong with me…"

"There's nothing wrong with you, Love. You're scared, but it will be okay. I promise."

Hephaestion took a deep breath then, looking into their boyfriend's honest and full-of-love eyes, "I feel more nonbinary than trans sometimes, or sometimes it's the opposite, or my gender doesn't really matter. I'm so confused… After all you've given me…"

"You mean your transition? You've done more than I have, Love. Your transition is all you, and I'm so proud of you. And it's okay to be confused. We'll figure it out. Together."

 **AN: I first saw the word "demigender" or "demiboy" while reading a fanfiction on another site, but I struggled to understand what it meant for a long while, but I just want to say that if you find another label for yourself or need or want to have multiple labels, you are valid!**


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